I thank myself.

A year ago, I was one cut away from ending my life. According to my doctors, I was having a severe episode of a major depressive disorder. I didn’t go to any classes, didn’t take shower for days and just ate as little as one peanut butter sandwich. I didn’t have a job back then and as the result, the only thing I actually did was watch Netflix & sleep. Believe this or not, but sometimes I slept for 16 hours straight. My room was a terrible mess & literally unhygienic. However, there was one thing that I always, without fail committed to and that was going to a psychiatrist every week. I wasn’t ashamed of that, although I didn’t tell my parents about it until a few months later when I had no choice.

I failed Spring 2018, my GPA was 1.5. I rarely went to classes and never ever paid attention (I still don’t). During summer break, I was still jobless with nothing else to do. The only thing I did almost every day was sleep, eat & watch Netflix; although, I did participate in CCRL research for almost a month. In CCRL research, I was basically spending time with kids which obviously helped me a lot. I remember have a severe panic attack during this time and making almost 20 cuts on both of my hands and the only people who noticed those cuts were those children that I taught. To be honest, I have been cutting myself since January 2018, but literally, nobody ever noticed them, and I honestly don’t want to think that people are ignorant or inconsiderate. If there’s something I learned and believe is that everybody, I meet is fighting a battle I don’t know about so I shouldn’t judge them.

I blame no one for I went through. My parents did their best to do their parenting and I will always be grateful for that. I used to blame myself last year but lately, I realized that it isn’t my fault either. I was a little kid who knew almost nothing. Now that I am growing and becoming an adult, if I still go through such episodes than probably, I’d say that maybe somewhere, I went wrong. I have been going to a psychiatrist & taking anti-depressants for over a year now. I am not saying that now, I don’t have MDD, but I can definitely say that it’s not severe anymore. It took me over ten months to be able to say that I am better and over a year to say that – I am proud of myself.

When I was in India around 2015, I used to think that committing suicide is a sign of weakness & cowardliness. I actually mocked the play of 13 Reasons Why. However, after everything I have faced and after being in fact, a suicidal person, I don’t believe that committing suicide is cowardly or stupid. The world will never know what kind of demons haunt a person’s mind, hence it should never believe that trying to free oneself from those demons is an act of weakness or gutless. I am not saying that committing suicide is a good choice or that it’s not a bad outlook. What I am trying to say is that mocking someone who is suicidal is the worst thing that they might ever face. The only thing that stopped me from committing suicide is that when I die, my pain and sufferings will be finally over but there are people out there who care for me and love me, and their pain would’ve just begun. I am not saying this from an experience but the pain of a parent from losing their child can be unimaginable. Preventing someone from committing suicide is never easy. It’s like asking a garden to flourish in spite of the weeds growing in it.

I am proud of myself.

I thank myself.

And I have no idea where my life will take me, but I will always make sure that I am kind, humble & empathetic.


Smit.

20/02/2019

11:33

 


One thought on “I thank myself.

  1. This was very beautiful. Thank you for writing this. I relate so much. In 2017 I went through exactly what you went through; barely showered, ate, cleaned my room, but I always had my call with my therapist every week. You are right, suicide is not a sign of weakness although many people view it as such, especially people around me. I try to explain what I go through but they don’t seem to understand and I don’t blame them at all. I used to blame myself and to be honest I still do. I have nothing good going for me in my life right now, but I am just taking it one step at a time. I am very glad to hear you are doing well. Keep up the good work on getting better.

    Liked by 1 person

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